


it's only love, it's only pain

by pepi_peachnbeans



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, but not really tho, everyones protective and cares for peter, i hope nebula isnt too ooc, im still sobbing, literally how dare marvel, lowkey a fix-it, this is literal word vomit, while making it worse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 02:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18714697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepi_peachnbeans/pseuds/pepi_peachnbeans
Summary: it's only fear that runs through my veinsit's all the things you can't explainthat make us humanend game spoilers





	it's only love, it's only pain

**Author's Note:**

> title/description civil twilight - human 
> 
> enjoy word vomit, im still sobbing over end game   
> i tried to make the dialogue and stuff and accurate as possible

As Nebula watched on at the lone survivor in front of her, she wondered what reason does she have to ask this man for help? To team up with him? But she had more than enough reason to do so. He had proved just how strong and capable he was. There once would have been a time where if she saw what she did now, the man in a terrible state, she would have called him weak, pathetic, and then would have promptly stabbed him through the heart. 

But now? Nebula felt the exact same pain that he did. And the pain was far worse than a mere stab wound, and death would be considered mercy. Mercy to pull him out of the mourning that fills every inch of his body. 

But if Nebula knew anything, that mourning will turn to motivation, to want Thanos dead, and that is her end goal as well. And that alone is enough reason to ask him for help. 

Everything felt blank for Tony. As soon as his arms were empty, it was as if everything else went away too. Or maybe there was so much buzzing at once- pain, shock, denial, and fear. It's a feeling that he can't really compare it to, he has only ever felt a slightest of this fear the day he had thought he dropped Pepper into those flames. 

In the darkest of times, Nick Fury pops into his mind, putting it into words at best, the worst part in all of this is that he is still alive, and he shouldn't be, he _shouldn't_. 

Peter should be. 

Tony had only been vaguely aware of the only other survivor of whatever.. whatever Thanos just did. He honestly didn't even know who she is, just that she showed up screaming and trying to kill Thanos, which isn't something that he'll particularly complain about. He could however, deduct that she is with the Guardians, or was, and that she knew who Gamora was. 

Nebula makes her way to the man once she notices he is no longer bent over his hand, deeming it as safe to finally intervene. At first, when the young boy announced that something was wrong and began stumbling, she had almost surged forward, but knew better to take a step back and to not invade their moment, the moment of vulnerability. Honestly, she doesn't understand much of these Terrians, or why the younger one survived for as long as he had, but he did hang on, and it was not he time for her to ask why. 

Instead, she stands besides him, looking down at him, and as softly as she could manage, and with a newfound patience, she questioned, "How old was he?" 

Tony looked down at his hands again, still feeling the way the dust lingered and settled between his fingers, and it felt so ghostly now. Peter had just been there, he had just felt him and his warmth, and now he is just gone. With his hands still quivering, he closes his eyes as the tears push forward again, "Sixteen." 

She nods at this and looks up at the sky. Thanos had taught her a long time ago that death doesn't discriminate, and that he followed through with his plans, to kill half the population, whether that be rich or poor, girl or boy, or even a mere child. It's time like now that she feels such a disgust for herself and the fact that she had ever supported such actions. "Do you have an army? Others like you, that can help defeat Thanos?"

Does Tony even have anyone else? He doesn't even know if the others are alive. He had lost Bruce back in New York, and if he was even somewhat close to lucky, Bruce successfully got a hold of Steve. But there was no telling from here who all survived. Natasha, Clint, Rhodey, Wanda, so many that he doesn't even know about. But not even them, there's Happy, Pepper, and jesus- _May_. How could he face her and tell her that her baby is gone? 

But he has a feeling that there are others left, there has to be. "On Earth." 

"Then we have to get to Terra. Up," she ushered holding onto his arm to help him up. "I believe the Milano is still usable." 

He didn't quite have the room to argue, and so Tony stood up, not before making sure to grab the Spiderman mask that was laying discarded on the ground, and let her help him limp all the way to the ship. 

It was on the ship that he learned her name is Nebula and that she is from space. Any other day, he would be having a field day with all the possibilities and discoveries, and he'd be playing a million questions with her. But not now. Not when the Milano, or whatever she calls it is still not functioning, leaving them just floating in space. Not while they are bot trapped here, with no way to get a hold of anyone else, as the oxygen slowly runs out. And how can he care about science while he is fucking gone? 

It's all things that haunt the worst of his nightmares, every time that he tries to fall asleep, making previous ones seem like a walk in the park. 

"So you know the Guardians, or whatever they call themselves?" 

"Gamora, she is my sister," Tony notes the hesitation after she says it, the mistake of _is_ , and not _was_. Though, to her credit, she continues on as if nothing happened, "Was my sister." 

The implication then hits him, Gamora had been a daughter of Thanos, and if they were sisters then Nebula was too. He laughs, though there is no amusement behind it whatsoever. "My father wasn't father of the year, but damn. I think I prefer a business man who cares more about Captain America over a murderous space grape." 

"You sound like Quill," she says with the tiniest hint of a smile, leaving her to wonder if this kind of a humor is a Terrian trait. "Murderous is too kind to describe him," she spits out clearly getting worked up. "He killed Gamora's parents, her entire planet, took her and trained her. He's been killing planet after planet and he-" she finally faltered. "She knew where the soul stone was, and he used her to get it. He killed her to get it." 

It's that very same realization that had made Starlord compromise their plans just as they almost had the gauntlet. Yet, Tony couldn't find it in him to be angry or to blame him for it, he is too tired. "I'm sorry about your sister," he clears his throat as he looks out one of the windows to the darkness of space. Heart to hearts is still something he struggles with doing, nevertheless with a rogue robot. 

It was quiet, and so Tony let himself relax believing that to be the end of the conversation, but then she turned to him with those large black eyes that look as if they are staring through his soul and muttered a, "I'm sorry about your son." 

_I'm sorry about your son_. 

 

 

 

They're saved. 

But Tony hardly feels an ounce of bit saved, or relieved to be back at the Compound. He struggles down, and lets himself fall into Pepper's arms because she is _alive_. And it is sick that he should feel this relieved that she is, because no one should be wondering if their loved ones are alive right now. 

It doesn't take long for him to realize just who all is gone. It had been easier to count who was left rather than who wasn't. 

"I lost the kid." as soon as the words leave his mouth, he feels the tears again, along with everyone's pained stares, because they don't have to ask who he means. Wanda was with them, and she is hardly a kid anymore, and Shuri was also with them, no, the only other kid who would be dumb enough to go in space in pursuit of Tony, Peter. 

All he could do moments before he snapped at Steve was think about when Steve told him once that he was no hero. And Tony agrees whole heartedly, he is no hero- but, he was Peter Parker's hero and he _failed_. But Captain America was Peter's hero too. 

 

When Tony wakes up, he is somewhat surprised to find out that he is still alive. The last he remembers, the oxygen was about to run out but then- then they were brought back to Earth. Blinking, he groans as he goes to sit up, only a hand juts out to stop him. Bruce is standing there with a disapproving look on his face. 

"Tony, don't try and sit up." 

"Good morning to you too," he grunts. "I was expecting Pepper, but I guess you're okay too."

"Using humor as a deflection," he gives a snort as he sits down on the chair next to the bed that Tony is laying in. "And going off on Cap, as if that is going to solve your problems or make you feel better, because it's not." 

It is the last thing Tony wants to hear, a lecture from the mother hen himself. He frowns, "I thought you weren't this kind of doctor Bruce?" 

Of course, Bruce expected Tony to be like this, because it's Tony, and he always is. With all of the patience of a saint he meets Tony's gaze and speaks softly, too soft for the words he is about to say, "It's not going to bring Peter back." 

It's almost as if getting stabbed again, Tony feels the sharpness in his chest as his breath gets caught. Gasping, he goes to straighten, but then the pain is throbbing in his shoulders and his back and he finds himself flinching. 

"Your back was sprained," he recalls, remembering patching Tony up after he got back. The bruises on his back were ugly, albeit, faded after the twenty so days. What confused Bruce the most was that it didn't look as if from battle. 

His breath his still caught in his throat as he feels the ghost hands clutching at his back, clinging on as if it would save him. Of course, with superhuman strength, what else had Tony expected? All it does is remind him of how desperate Peter had been, and it makes the bile rise up in his throat despite hardly eating in practically a month. 

_"Mr. Stark I don't feel so good."  
_

_"Mr. Stark, **please**." _

_"I don't wanna go."_

The pressure in his chest feels like it is pushing down on him, trapping him down, caving on him. Almost as if Steve's shield was digging at the arc reactor yet again. Even without Jarvis or Friday present, he can still imagine one of their snarky voices saying, " _Sir, I believe you're having a panic attack_."  

Except, neither one of them are here. Instead, it is Bruce who is sitting next to him looking calm as ever. "Breathe with me, okay? You're going into a panic attack." 

"No I'm not," he protests, but the sounds get lost in his throat because no matter how much he tries to fucking breathe, he isn't getting enough air. It won't come out fast enough, nor will it come in 

Standing in front of him, Bruce raises his hands hesitant about touching him. "You are," he says with that stern ' _I'm not dealing with your shit_ ' tone he uses often with Tony. "It's just us here, you're okay, you're safe with me." 

And finally- Tony breaks. 

 

 

Tony wants no part of it. 

For once in his life he can say that he is happy. He has Pepper, and now, now he has the new light of his entire world, Morgan. But... behind all of that, there's always that lingering feeling that something is missing, that he isn't truly happy. 

It makes him feel guilty at times, or perhaps it's just part of the honorary hero complex that everyone he knows is cursed with. But he knows what is missing, and he gets reminded of it when the past nightmares of falling from space get replaced with those from that day on Titan. 

He knows what is missing those times that he is able to actually look at the photograph of the two of them smiling. 

And he sure as hell remembers what the problem is when he can't sleep, and he reverts to old habits of tinkering and he designs more suits thinking of what he could have done more to protect him. 

It's the fact that he thinks of Peter so often, that it makes him feel guilty. Because he has Morgan, and he shouldn't- he _shouldn't_. 

"Tony," Pepper says one night after Morgan has gone to bed, knowing him all to well. "You were like a father to Peter." 

He looks at her, mild surprise in his eyes. It has been almost an unspoken agreement between the two of them, that they never talk about it, the day, or Peter. 

"He still loved his uncle though, and May. You being like a father to him never took his love away from them." 

But Tony knows Pepper just as well as she knows him and he gets she is trying to say, _loving Peter doesn't replace the love you have for Morgan_. 

One day, Tony is sat on the dock staring out at the lake in front of him. He can hear the footsteps walk up behind him, and it makes him smile, because no matter how hard she tries to be quiet, she just can't to save her life. "Hey honey." 

"Hi dad." 

"Weren't you helping your mother with the garden?" 

"I was." she agrees wit ha shrug. "Dad... who's Peter?" 

The question throws him off completely, and he turns away from the water to look at her. She's already watching him with an innocent curiosity. "Peter... you would have loved him Morgan." 

After Scott brings up the idea of time travel, absurd, but just absurd enough that it lingers in his head, along with the constant unsettling of unhappiness. The hope, the hope that he could reverse this, bring back everyone's loved ones, give them back their chance of life. 

Steve was right after all. He only does things for himself, he is selfish, because he would do anything to bring Peter back again. 

 

 

When Tony looks up to see someone reaching out to him, he freezes in a mild shock. Five years. It's been five damn years since he has seen Peter's face, and it makes him freeze. 

"You will not believe what's going on," he starts as he easily pulls Tony up with one arm and uses his free arm to stabilize him. "Do you remember when we were in space? And I got all dusty?" he rambles on likes he always does, referencing the vanishing as if it was nothing, as if it didn't tear Tony's fucking heart out. 

"I must've passed out, because I woke up and then you were gone, and Doctor Strange was there right? He's like 'it's been five years, come on they need us'." he keeps going on, mocking Strange's magic. "The yellow sparkling thing that he does all the time-" 

Finally Tony moves into action, the tears pushing at the back of his eyes, the utter relief, "Just hold me kid," he whispers as he pulls Peter into him doing one of the things he has wanted to do for five whole years now. 

But there was still a battle to win and Thanos to defeat. 

Doctor Strange had told him then that were was only one chance to defeat Thanos, and Tony realizes what that one chance means the realization dawning him seconds before it happens, but he snaps his fingers anyways. 

 

Rhodey notices Tony first. That he is barely holding on, that the stones are destroying him, like they nearly destroyed Thanos. 

 

Peter is no stranger to loss. 

He lost both of his parents and his Uncle Ben. But even then, nothing can ever prepare you for when death happens, no matter how many times you experience it. 

When Peter wakes up, his spider senses are still blaring and his heart is racing feeling the exact same thing he felt before he vanished. It felt like nothing, as if he had blacked out, but really it had been five years. Five years and he had missed so much. 

Natasha's gone, and so is Vision. 

He lands down next to where the others were gathering, spotting Tony slumped against some of the rubble from what used to be the Avengers Compound. He's still so tired, and even with his enhanced strength and healing, he still has blood, some of his own, and his body aches from the pressure of the fights.

Adrenaline courses through him as his chest heaves, "Mr. Stark?" 

Rhodey gives him a look from the corner of his eyes, and Peter can see the tears that are starting to well up and it makes the anxiety in him grow, because Colonel Rhodes is always so _composed_. He turns to the side, finally allowing Peter to see Tony fully, the damage that is left. 

He looks so out of it, with half of his body burnt. 

"Hey," his voice is shaky as he replaces Rhodey and kneels in front of Tony. "Mr. Stark?" he pleads, feeling like a child, so damn helpless as he reaches out his fingers lightly brushing against Tony's shoulders. "Can you hear me? It's Peter." 

Peter just got back and he can't, he let himself open again and he can't go through this. "We won Mr. Stark. _We won Mr. Stark_ ," he repeats himself hoping that Tony understands it. But he remains speechless and only staring, and the panic claws at Peter as he grows more frantic. "You did it sir you did it." 

There's crying from behind him and someone moves closer, and the hands land on his shoulder, robotic esque, just like the Iron Man suit, but they're too light to be Rhodey's, meaning it's Pepper. 

"I'm sorry Tony," the tears finally start falling down his face as he feels more desperate.  

Pepper pulls him away then, and his hands go up to his face the sob finally coursing through his body because Tony is dying, and time travel won't fix it, using the stones won't fix it. And there isn't a single god damn thing he can do except stand in front of Rhodey and behind Pepper watching as Tony dies, and as Pepper tries to comfort him. 

It was in that moment that Peter wished he never woke back up. 

 

 

The Avengers, or those who are left all end up meeting up far upstate in a unlikely place, the Stark Tower, or well, the Avengers Tower. Despite the victory, there's a solemn silence that overhangs above everyone. The loss outweighs the celebration. And it is only mere hours, but the absences are already suffocating. 

Rhodey is sitting outside of the door to one of the rooms watching as Wanda approaches. "Spiderman," she nods towards the room, "Is in there?" 

"He finally has fallen asleep." 

Wanda raises her head, "I do not wish to disturb him." 

She walks in anyways, watching the boy lay there sleeping, still in his suit, much like the rest of them. He is asleep, sure, but twitching. She understands his position, and though Tony Stark had never been her favorite, Clint was (though she'd never admit to that) she felt his loss. "Rest," she barely makes a sound, the red sparks coming out of her fingers and wrapping themselves around his head. "I will take the nightmares away." 

 

Happy brings Aunt May around after a day. She comes rushing into the room, pausing only to take one look at him and this she just sighs an "Oh, Peter," and holds out her arms. 

"May." It's just one word, but all the pain comes out then as he leans into her touch as she holds him close as he cries. 

 

In the aftermath, everyone on the team has their own little ways of doing things for Peter. Sam would bake, not just for Peter, but for everyone. But if Peter took extra he would never say anything. 

Scott would try and keep things light, constantly joking, even when Peter doesn't respond. 

Steve gave him space, up until there was no more Steve either. 

Bruce would stay with him in the labs. 

Carol told him that it was okay to hurt. 

Bucky would sit in silence with Peter, and somehow it was almost calming in a way.

One of the unlikeliest of people though who made an effort with Peter had been T'Challa. Though, it should have made somewhat sense, with him being a wise king and all. There was some nights that Peter would find himself out on the roof. Not particularly because he was planning to do something stupid, but just because being high up honestly did calm him down. And the buzzing life of the city nearly overloaded him, making it easier for him to just not think. 

It was on one of those nights that T'Challa comes and sits down next to him, not fearing being on the edge of a roof thousands of feet up. "Shuri told me that you came up here." 

"Did she now?" It's dry and rhetorical, but T'Chall doesn't take it to heart. 

"You know, in my culture, death isn't the end." With wide eyes, Peter turns to look at T'Challa, who is staring off into the city lights. "It's more of a stepping off point. You reach out with both hands and Bast and Sekhmet, they lead you into a green veld where... you can run forever. It's for you to decide for yourself whether you find an ending as such peaceful or not. Whether you believe there to be a heaven or hell, or for his death to be in vain."

But in the end it just feels empty. 

 

He makes a friend out of Morgan though, when Happy brings him out to the house with Pepper, or the rare occasion that they let Morgan come to the tower. There was a nervousness in meeting her for the first time, but she just took his hands and said, "Dad talked about you." 

At the same time that his cheeks turn red, he feels that same ping anytime he does when Tony is mentioned. "Oh, good things I hope." 

She nods with a happy smile. "Amazing things. Daddy did this for you. He turned them down, but then, he thought of you, he had a photo of you two. I think he really missed you." 

The tears roll down his face again as he is speechless on what to say. 

"I miss him too. But we've got each other now don't we? So we don't have to be alone." 

Swallowing, Peter nods numbly. "We'll be okay." 

 

 

In the end, it ends up being Tony's own words that help Peter along the most. 

_I wanted to be like you_. 

**And I wanted you to be better**. 

And so Peter will be better. 

 


End file.
